Our Relationship With Stress is What Matters

A few years ago, I found myself sitting in my office, completely overwhelmed by what, on the surface, seemed like a relatively minor workplace interaction. A peer manager had said something that rubbed me the wrong way, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. The more I replayed the conversation in my head, the more frustrated and stressed I became.

Looking back, I can see that the interaction itself wasn't really the problem. I had recently relocated and was navigating a new environment, new relationships, and a lingering feeling that I didn't quite belong. The move had already created months of elevated stress. That conversation was simply the final drop that made the barrel overflow.

What struck me later was that someone else in the same situation might not have found it stressful at all.

Stress is deeply personal. What feels overwhelming to one person may barely register for someone else.

At the same time, I had a colleague who seemed to thrive in situations that would leave me exhausted. Last-minute requests, changing priorities, conflicting stakeholder expectations, organizational confusion—she handled it all with remarkable ease. Not only did she have a demanding career, but she was also the proud mother of four young children.

I often found myself replaying difficult situations in my head. Could I have prevented that last-minute change? Should I have spoken to more people? Done something sooner? My colleague, on the other hand, had an incredible ability to acknowledge what had happened, deal with it, and move on. She rarely let corporate drama rain on her parade.

This difference fascinated me and led me to explore the role mindset plays in our experience of stress.

In her book The Upside of Stress, psychologist Kelly McGonigal explains that our beliefs about stress significantly influence how much it affects our health and wellbeing. Some people are naturally more resilient, while others are more sensitive to stress. But mindset matters too.

People who view stress as a challenge or opportunity tend to be more optimistic, more comfortable with uncertainty, and better equipped to cope. They acknowledge when something stressful has happened, seek support when needed, take action to address the situation, and look for lessons or opportunities hidden within the challenge.

Those who see stress as purely harmful are more likely to avoid it, withdraw from the situation, or distract themselves from uncomfortable feelings.

The encouraging news is that our stress response has evolved far beyond the simple fight-or-flight reaction of our ancestors. Today, stress can help us in three powerful ways: rise to challenges, connect with others, and learn and grow.

A quote, widely attributed to Donald Tubesing, an American pastor, author and stress management educator, hit the nail on the head:

"Stress is like spice—in the right proportion, it enhances the flavor of a dish. Too little produces a bland, dull meal; too much may choke you."

Think about the first time you presented to senior executives. Your palms were sweaty. Your heart was racing. You couldn't focus on anything else. Depending on your relationship with stress, you might interpret those sensations in one of two ways. Either your body is preparing you to perform at your best, or it's evidence that you're not capable of handling the situation.

The same physical response can tell two very different stories.

Stress can also motivate us to connect with others. After a difficult conversation with a manager, many of us instinctively want to call a trusted friend or seek support from someone who understands. Strong relationships help us process challenges and regain perspective. In fact, research consistently shows that meaningful connections are among the strongest predictors of both wellbeing and resilience.

Finally, stress can help us learn and grow.

As Albert Einstein said:

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

When we reflect on difficult experiences, we can extract valuable lessons, build new skills, and strengthen our ability to navigate future challenges. If we avoid stress at all costs, we also miss the opportunity to discover the hidden gems within those experiences.

The modern stress response is designed to help us rise to challenges, connect with others, and grow through adversity. Stress itself is not the enemy. More often, the real problem is a lack of recovery.

The next time you notice your heart racing, your thoughts spinning, or your shoulders tightening under pressure, pause and ask yourself a simple question: What if this stress is trying to help me? What if your body is preparing you to meet a challenge, connect with someone who can support you, or learn something that will serve you in the future?

Regardless of our natural stress tolerance, we can improve our relationship with stress by allowing ourselves to complete the stress cycle, recover well, and recognize its potential upside. Stress will always be part of life. The goal is not to eliminate it, but to learn how to work with it rather than against it.

Notes:

Jurie, (2025, April 6). 55 best stress quotes. https://home.hellodriven.com/articles/55-best-stress-quotes/

McGonigal, Kelly (2015). The upside of stress. Avery